mundane

With the elections out of the way, can we now talk about mundane things, like love and pasts and the fantastic way things manage to resolve themselves with time?

We can? Okay.

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It's a well-known fact that my ex-girlfriend and I are now on civil, speaking terms, though I still haven't seen her since 2007, and that's just fine. And wow, the fact that I feel like I can call her solidly the ex-girlfriend, that I can now say that without fear of reprisal or reprimand -- it's fantastic. I wonder if people wonder about that girl I can't stop writing about c.2003-2006, and well, here's the situation update for you since I've stopped talking about her entirely for the better part of the past four years.

The other night, we were texting briefly about something work-related which turned into a briefer exchange of pleasantries; she asked how Andrea and I were doing, I said we were doing fine (32 months on the 22nd, I said), and I asked back if it were true that she and her boyfriend (edit: whom I had just friended on Facebook somewhere, LOL) were getting married, and she said I was the fifth person in the span of a week to have asked.

I said, you don't post photos like those on Facebook and not court questions about engagement at the very least. She said, Ah you saw? I did the photoshop on that. And I said, Well, a photoshop expert now, aren't we? For a brief moment I was tempted to go the way of Remember that time I used to try to teach you how to work the thing -- but I didn't, because I didn't feel it was called for.

She said she looked at photos of Andrea and I (presumably on Facebook); she said we looked so happy, so good together. She said she's glad I'm happy now, and I said, I'm happy you are, too.

And then she asked, Hey if the rumor of you and I together in college would spread among our batchmates, would it be okay? Because I'm okay with that already. We happened, there's nothing wrong with that, yeah?

I said, not unkindly, I remember between the two of us, you were the one uncomfortable with people knowing. I said I was okay with that, and that I've long made my peace with that part of our lives, and that I was happy she was at peace with it as well.

She said sorry she was so unfair. I said, it's all right, let's just keep the good things in our heads, and do away with the bad ones. I said, It was a different life, no?

A different life. Funny how five years ago, fresh out of college and at the edge of the real world, it was entirely unimaginable, having this conversation, much less going without this person for years. I remember feeling horribly flayed just having to look at their photos together, I remember having to remove her from social networks (at the time, it was Friendster) just to do away with the pictures. I wrote a lot of angry things, I regret some of them actually, and I marked a certain day on the calendar with a sort of grief reserved for mourning could-have-beens.

And then.

And then I fell in love again. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! What were the chances I'd amble into a new life that would eventually open me up to entirely new things, experiences and opportunities, right? Back in college, a young girl like me -- like me, who liked other girls and not boys -- I was alone and without a community. I didn't know there were other girls who liked other girls -- well, I mean, of course I ~knew, but I didn't know where they were, or if they'd like me at all. This was why I was horribly attached to her - I had erroneously thought she was the last girl, the only girl who would ~see me, and like what she saw. If I am ever going to be glad about anything I was wrong about after all, it would be that.

If I were to pinpoint the exact moment I felt my heart starting up again in a way I thought it would never feel again -- when was it exactly? Perhaps that night in Timog then, in April? I mean, you all know how this part of the story goes, right? I knew Andrea was into girls, I knew she had a girlfriend for a time, and I think that time I saw her dancing to reggae in some street party she had one, too, though it was a different girl.

And then, while I wasn't looking, I found myself in love. Silly organ called the heart. That time we were doing the midterm elections, though relatively the work stress was a bit less by virtue of being younger and still having mid-level management above you. Heh. We had massive losses/resignations, I was out all the time drinking and smoking, then Andrea and I started going out in group dates, and then in book store dates with just the two of us, and then we were texting at regular intervals, and then she was all I ever wrote about.

And then I moved out of the flat I shared with my sister in Quezon City and into a flat of my own in Makati, and then bam, I found myself in a relationship. And then Andrea moved in and three years and one election more later, here we still are, waking up next to each other every single day, and how does this happen, really? How does one go from making all those horrible, misguided decisions to having this life where I don't smoke anymore, or drink so much?

How does one get so lucky?

Well. I don't know. What I do know is that from feeling absolutely shit - you know, times when there are, say, days that you find yourself alone sitting on the floor of your apartment, drinking lukewarm Red Horse out of a bottle while smoking and it's only 4 p.m.? - Life has a way of looking up again. Well, it doesn't happen exactly in the span of a few days, or a few weeks; sometimes it takes more than a couple of months, but the fact is, life takes care of itself as long as we don't do anything to fuck it up while it's on its way to recovery. It's a fun fact, that.

Meanwhile, while waiting I was listening to sad music and writing sad things with empty rooms and ghosts, and watching sad movies and getting drunk all the time and wearing my lung lining thin with nicotine and going home late so I'd be so weary by the time I hit the bed I won't have time to think about how alone I felt. It was a crazy life, and fun as it was, I don't think I could afford that lifestyle again. Hehe.

And then you're all right again. How does that happen, right? For a moment you're just living one day after the other, and then somewhere along the way you find something to look forward to. It just happens, it's insane, and when you pause to look back, you're now standing five years away from something you thought you'd never live through.

How does that happen, right? :) Well, I'm done analyzing the Universe's ways, so yeah, you win this round Universe. Fair and square.