the leaving litany

The night Eliza told me she was resigning, I called up a younger friend from an entirely different circle (actually, she's a circle on her own -- haha thanks Max) and asked her to get drunk with me. No further questions asked. I paid for her dinner; she paid for my second round of beer. I was home before midnight.

(Cut for rambling and drunk shit etc)


Since then, the days in between have been a blur. The first few nights I'd managed to restock my fridge with beer, but then I fell ill so now I couldn't drink as much. (Same thing, nakakaantok din naman ang gamot -- quits lang. I guess.)

As usual, things go on -- looking back I wonder how we got away with playing hooky THE ENTIRE DAY, that time before the Ates left in 2007. Last year, when Cy left, the work load leading up to December that year (25 simultaneous sessions, the anniversary book, everything else) was fucking insane, and for the most part I hadn't even realized what just hit me until much, much later.

I have shit memory; all that's ever left with me is that memory when a thing hits me first--like, when Cy's phone call reached me, I remember I was in front of a bank, holding onto a railing. I spent that afternoon in slow-mo: I ate a slow meal in Greenbelt, quietly trying to figure out, sans tears, what the fuck I was supposed to do next. Haha. If it sounds like a breakup -- well, that word hit me also :) I kept telling myself that afternoon: Tangina, para akong nabreakan.

It's been roughly a year since then; by some grace of God I managed to have a fucking wonderful time over the summer. I guess that was the Universe overcompensating for something. Tangina, sabi ko na eh -- I don't want to have to mistrust every moment of happiness, but I do believe in balance, so I guess that's just things evening themselves out? I don't know.

Anyway--so we're in this familiar space all over again; I remember being that frightened girl in 2007 in a cab with Cy, speculating about the Ates tendering their resignation. What then? we'd asked ourselves, and I had said in jest, Well, they'll just have to wait for us to grow up, and then. (Tangina Universe, must you always eavesdrop on everyone like that)

(And so here we are. We're two-for-two for the 2010-2011 season, haha so quota na muna Universe, kung okay lang. Alam kong nasabi ko at one point na parang me kalyo na ang puso ko dahil sa UP Men's Basketball team, pero dahan-dahanin pa rin natin, pwede? :)

Anyway. I remember when I sat down with the boss a few weeks ago, she said something like I looked so sad that day Eliza told me about her plan. That day I said nothing, and apparently she was worried that I was going through a breakup (haha oh my boss, parang tita lang) -- o di ba, sabi ko nga similar symptoms. I'm so predictable.

Right now I'd just finished with a round of simultaneous reading sessions this morning, then I actually have a few hours to spare before I go back to the office and slave over whatever SONA-related thing we're doing (story of our fairly routinary lives) so can I just, you know. Take a minute?

I can?

Yeah.

*

So: Like all the predictable girls who are, whatever, undergoing something, I got the customary insane haircut:

Hair courtesy of _makattak - thank you!
Got this on Friday at Blackbookdesign at the Collective.
This decision was alcohol-less, absolutely.
(Girlfriend's hair also by Macky. Thanks!)

Oh, don't worry, it looks normal when I try -- like, for meetings. And stuff. (But when I tie my hair it sometimes looks like I got this half-mohawk. But most days it's like there's nothing else really there -- hah story of my life, everything's underneath.)

*

Some days I think this is what I get for staying put: something akin to a front row seat to this parade of comings and goings. And that's life -- schooled since 1997 y'all -- people come and go and that's the truth, and I guess the thing that really matters is what they leave with you. (---Memories, habits, memories of habits)

And you know what they say -- nobody really ever leaves; for all we know, something somewhere is just making room for something else -- something new. I don't know. I remember when I seized the opportunity to join Research in 2006, and then that turned out to be my way to meet Andrea, and then... Haha. The rest, as they say, history etc. And you know, what if -- WHAT IF -- something like that is in the works for someone right now? I don't know. I have to keep thinking something good will come out of this, else I'll unravel.

*

And after all this time, the answer is still yes. 

So--yes. This and me, for a while longer. There is so much left to do and I'm not about to go anywhere, not anytime soon :)

*

7/21 EDIT:

Got a good laugh from an old friend this morning, who sent the following text message: "Angelikate! What the hell did you do with your hair!!!" -- I love you Mary for 1) calling me by my high school first name in full and 2) being so invested in this haircut!

That said -- it's like the Universe is telling me, Why have you ever doubted this? I've been telling you SINCE 1997 -- people don't have to be around you to be ~with you.

Just, oh. Loud and clear now.

Loud and clear.