dispatches from a lonely room - night 9

Dear love,

It's better tonight than the last two ones, but just the same, to be on the safe side I said no to the outing; maybe next time we'll join them together? That sounds more fun, doesn't it.

So right now I'm taking a breather. I am not loving how my body comes up with illness like this every now and then, as if to show me where exactly I'm going wrong. It's been a few days without soda/caffeine/alcohol and I'm doing well. Today has been busy as my usual Fridays go and I guess that helped a little in forgetting that I am in fact in pain somewhere.

It's already the first of May a few hours from now and I'm just happy you're coming home on the 4th (or is it the 3rd?). These past few nights I've begun dreaming about your skin; this is the longest we've gone without each other, wasn't Bangkok last year just nine nights? I've been having intermittent sleep and in the snatches of dreams I manage to remember, mostly it's about you holding me. It's like a haunting, but not the bad kind, only when I wake up half the bed's empty and there's only space. There's always a split-second of sad silence, that minute upon waking and not finding you there, but it's all right - what's a few days more, yeah? I've gone this far.

Anyway. I was emptying our laundry today and the thought of you washing your clothes there made me smile. I hope it's not too cold anymore, I hope you didn't get sick in that weather, I hope you're coming back home with only good memories and fantastic pictures of places and a notebook full of stories that we'll have to stay up for nights and nights and nights just to get through to the end.


dispatches - day 9

Dear love,

It gets worse at night so I immediately sleep it off, hence no dispatch for night 8. The worst thing about it all is that I know I did this to myself, and now I'm off all my favorite things - caffeine, soda and alcohol. Nice. It's like my body is reminding me not to spread myself too thinly; Cy says it's like the fact that I miss you has begun manifesting itself as a physical illness. I'm not used to being ill; maybe I'll go back to my parents over the weekend and get myself an appointment with an internist or something (having foregone that beach thing I was supposed to go to). Or maybe I just need to rest and eat properly home cooked meals.

That it is Friday today offers me no further relief, apart from the fact that it takes me one day closer to Tuesday and to you.

As fast as you can now, love.
xo, Me.


dispatches from a lonely room - night 7

Dear love,

I'm writing while in the middle of the worst hyperacidity attack I have ever encountered, and now more than ever I wish you were here to cuddle. I miss you; are we there yet?


feature heartbreak rec

My most ill-advised read for this day came via Twitter. It's "Sleep: Loss" by Bill Hayes.

I have been trying for more than five minutes now to summarize what this essay means to me, but I can't, and so I leave you with an excerpt:

"This is not altogether true. I would like to stay but can no more imagine falling asleep with someone else than I can falling in love again."
The last time I dared to read something that tackles picking up after a devastating loss was with Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. This is still one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read, right up there with Winterson's Written on the Body and Niffenegger's Time Traveler's Wife, which, we all know, I only managed to finish while huddled so closely to her in bed.

I remember that time she came home from that motorcycle accident in July; I was half-asleep when the door opened and there was blood on her arms and all the while I was washing her wounds and sending her to bed I was thinking, You are no longer allowed to scare me this way, ever again.

dispatches from a lonely room - night 6

Dear love,

Just got home from a night of dancing with Edz, Cy, Almi and Aby at Il Ponticello. They've got a thing there called Take Me Back Tuesdays and the music's all about the 80s and 90s. The crowd was of a fairly familiar age range, and for a pretty long stretch we knew all the songs by heart, it was quite surprising, especially for someone like me who never really listened to proper FM radio until I had to (which was about Grade 6, which means to say I was 12). I pretty much loved the part where I could sing along to all the songs -- the stretch I was particularly fond of started with Next's "Too Close" then INOJ's "Love You Down" then we also had some Christina Aguilera [Genie in a Bottle], Craig David [Fill me in], and even Spice Girls [Stop! :)], Hanson [Mmmbop] and of course the Backstreet Boys [Larger than Life]. It was all good (aha actually Mo Thugs' "All Good" also played - it was all g-double Oh-d good good haha) and for a bit we were dancing until I was turning a bit epileptic by the time we got to Savage Garden's "I Want You." Haha. The music reminded me strongly of high school dances and early college, though I would have also wanted to hear some Prodigy or Chemical Brothers or Britney Spears (yeah). Perhaps they were saving Mousse T's "Horny" for the finale - a pity that, since I LOVE THAT SONG. Haha. Also, there was no Daft Punk or Alice Deejay (I would have wanted to hear Better Off Alone a.k.a. ghosts of 3310 ringtones past) -- but maybe, some other time.

Unfortunately, the space was an enclosed airconditioned space where smoking was allowed, so it was a bit suffocating. The place was packed to the walls - a horde of twentysomethings swimming frantically in a sea of thudding music and shared nostalgia. Whoever said all kinds of remembering have to be quiet?

We left around 2 because Aby and Edz have flights to catch in the morning and Cy and Almi, well, we're working tomorrow, hehe. I'm back here and the room is quiet again and as precautionary measure I am drinking salabat. My voice is hoarse from too much smoke and strenuous singing (haha) and my feet are sore from too much movement. I wish you were here because the moon is full, and as we always say in jest, Sayang naman ang energy (haha) but then again, full moon or no, I'm always wishing you're here these days anyway to come home to, for the simple reason that it's a great feeling, that. Having someone to come home to and burrow against before falling asleep.

Truth be told, when I opened the door I half-expected you to be there, reading in bed; I almost saw you looking up with your sleepy eyes, asking me first thing how the night went. I would have said, It went fine. A bit noisy in places, far too smoky for my reformed lungs, but it was all right. You would have smiled. You would have patted the space beside you, the one that's mine.

You would have said, Sleep now? And I would have said, Yes, yes sleep would be nice. I would have complained about the slight pulsing in my ankle, because I think I may have overexerted myself. You would have laughed and offered to fix it, but I would have declined it because I knew you were tired, and then you'd shift and point to your shoulders and rolling my eyes, I would have gone on to massage the junction of your neck and shoulder anyway, because it puts you to sleep, and after a while I'd doze off myself, because nothing calms me more than your steady breathing.

Of course none of this is happening tonight, because if I wipe the smog from my eyes I could see clearly how the bed is in fact empty, save for our pillows, the blanket and the book I've been reading in bed (still Wild Mind by Natalie Goldberg). But it's all right, it's not for too long now, right, because we're on Night Six which means I only have five more nights to go and I know until then I'll be fine.


dispatches from a lonely room - night 5

I was walking in the mall today, love - it's a Monday, and it's always mall day, only you're not meeting me for dinner and standing beside me while waiting for a cab. I rode a bus at Alabang around noon, did some bank-related chores and then headed off to my usual slow jap brunchdinner around 4 or 5ish (this is also known as the unhealthiest lifestyle EVER but don't worry, I'll be all right)

I was hoping I could look for something to wear to this thing the girls and I are going to tomorrow night - you know how hard it is for me to properly dress myself, much less shop without guidance, etc but I do hope I manage to look presentable anyway. (I highly doubt this, but then when all else fails there's always alcohol.) So yeah the mall was packed as usual and I stood in line waiting for a cab for 45 minutes in front of Glorietta 4 and I kept seeing these girls holding hands and I, well. How do I say this? I used to not mind, but now I do because you're not here and my hands are feeling itchy, just holding on to space.

I'm now sitting here home alone and it's too quiet so I put Kate Nash on and she's asking me if I want to share the guilt and really, I am loving this girl's accent  because when she says "What?" the T at the end disappears and it's adorable.

By the way, how's China? This morning when I checked twitter, I read there's an earthquake somewhere in Taiwan; I hope you didn't feel that at all. My parents are all right, though Krista wasn't home because she was out the entire Sunday for a work-related excursion. It looks like she's going through with her med thing and I am glad. Wy is getting tall and fat and I am feeling small though not necessarily thin, which is like the worst permutation of bodily descriptions. Heh.

Today there's this sortie again on Yague and it's too noisy with these candidates on the microphone and far too many fireworks set off far too near. I feel them thudding on my chest and more than I ever I wish you were here.


dispatches from a lonely room - night 4

I realized just now, love, that we're only on Night 4 -- how is this possible when I feel like it's been a week? Time fucks around with minds far too often, and these days are not an exception.

I still check your Tumblr/LJ for updates from China; I'm constantly wondering if you're all right, or if you're eating well, or if it's too cold out there? How are the clothes suiting you, how is China treating you, are you writing all of it down, are you taking a lot of pictures? Have you gone to The Wall? How many Chinese food joints have you gone to, how many streets have you walked, how many new shirts have you bought (haha)? I wish back here my life is more interesting, I wish I had more to say apart from, I went home to my parents today; I did not want to be alone on a Sunday.

Other things you may want to know about: On Gimik 2010 this afternoon, apparently Rico Yan's character is still alive and about to get remarried in the States and it's basically like 90210 in the sense that there's a new cast (I heard they're doing that too for Melrose Place; this world has no new stories to tell) Also, my wrist hurts; I fell asleep on it by accident, right before dinner earlier. I hit 80k on Crunchy Planets on Friday night. I have a new Kate Nash album (apart from the one we already had) and she's mighty fine, I'm kind of obsessing about her, a little. I was watching Florence and the Machine videos earlier on Youtube and I think you should watch her Rabbit Hearts vid because it reminded me of you, but what the hell, everything reminds me of you anyway, so.

So. Come home already. So many unnecessary words, when in truth that's all I had to say.


I was on a jeepney back home to my parents this morning when I remembered that presidential candidate JC de los Reyes was in the office the other day to talk about, among other things, how their campaign was going so far. He struck me as a rather pleasant man; he looked so young when I saw him up close, when he came over to me and shook my hand.

He does seem like a genuinely nice person, and though we don't exactly see eye-to-eye regarding the Reproductive Health bill, I do agree with him about miracles.

If there was one thing that struck me the most about that small conference, it was how he viewed everything as a miracle. You know me, I am a fan of miracles (never mind that I'm not even a devout Catholic), and I admit having sat there somewhat humbled when the 40-year-old councilor described their entire campaign as a miracle: "That we have gone this far is a miracle. That these people around me (gesturing to his senatorial slate and vice president, all older than he is) submitted to the youngest presidential candidate is a miracle. The media picking us up - that's a miracle. That you made time for us today, that's a miracle."

That may have been paraphrased a bit as I am typing it from memory. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was also the angle of the Inquirer story about it in today's issue (JC: We've gone this far, that's a miracle, via Inquirer.net).

I've said I'm not devout, but it doesn't mean I'm not spiritual. I have great respect for people who recognize that they're always in the midst of Something Greater, that most things that happen are not of our own making.

People say he's got his head in the clouds. Maybe they're right. I also think that the clouds are a far nicer place than this hell hole, and I don't really want to blame idealists like him for dreaming that one day they'll make this country a better place. He and I are similar that way - sometimes I stay up at night thinking about how it would be great if one day, one day I too would be in a position to right wrongs and help people, and just, you know, be someone who matters. Someone people listen to. And I think De los Reyes and his lot are brave to enter this murky world of politics.

Am I voting for De los Reyes fifteen days from now? I can't say I will, in the same manner that I can't say that I am voting for any particular presidential candidate at this point in time. I am carefully studying my choices, and I think frankly all of us should. That said, I just hope that when the dust clears, De los Reyes and his lot would continue viewing the world as one made of everyday miracles.


dispatches from a lonely room - night 3

This day has been insane, love, and I would tell you all about it if only you were here - I know you never really were too fond of whatever it is work-related that I always obsess about - Fucking Gordon filed a lawsuit against SURVEY FIRMS?! Is he out of his mind? - but today was exceptionally busy and I've always looked forward to cuddling after long days like these, but well.


run fast for your lovers

Indulge me and my little bout with separation anxiety. Yep, it's that time of the year again, so. Yeah.

Also - I love Microsoft Excel. I use it for everything, including computation of life spans, etc. Yes, this is accurate. Kind of.

Have a safe trip, love. ♥ Be back soon.


movie rundown

Well, the past few weeks have been good for movies. So before I forget, a note to self/rundown:

How to Train Your Dragon (watched in March): Toothless totally goes down as one of the cutest, most adorable animated characters EVER.

Date Night (April) - Yo. Tina Fey and Steve Carell in an action movie. As a couple. Kissing. And dancing. (ROBOT SEX!) You're missing out on a lot if you haven't watched this, so run. Don't walk.

Spring Breakdown (April) - Oh man Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch and Parker Posey. Doing Spring Break and having a second sort of teenager-hood. Surely it's all been said and done before, but nobody does it like Amy Poehler and it is fucking hilarious.

Cracks (April) - Eva Green as the sultry and mysterious Miss G, diving coach and dorm manager in an all-girls boarding school, is definitely one of the sexiest, most intriguing, and terrifyingly relatable characters I've ever come across in movies. EVER. Also, the performances of these young girls? Fantastic.


over and over

We never graduate from first grade. Over and over, we have to go back to the beginning. We should not be ashamed of this. It is good. It's like drinking water; we don't drink a glass once and never have to drink one again. We don't finish one poem or novel and never have to write one again. Over and over, we begin. This is good. This is kindness.

- Natalie Goldberg, Wild Mind.


(I promise to slow down on Sundays. I promise to slow down on Sundays...)


Unexpected kindness is unexpected. Thank you; lately, I've been too prone to complaints and disenchantment. It must be the heat and all this hate that edges of regimes bring people. Horrible, horrible times, but again, as always, we overcome. Don't we? Thanks for the reminder. ♥


maps, letters and a brief guide to navigating scars

maps, letters and a brief guide to navigating scars
people with pasts are frightening creatures. 7,000 words.

NB. After Mnemonics. I have invented most, if not all of the routes. This is not an accurate guide to vacationing in the Philippines. Consider yourselves warned. And yes, similarities to real people are coincidental. Of course. (Perhaps).


BRB trying not to die. See you after the elections.


on why more girls are lesbian or bi

An article on PsychologyToday.com I happened to stumble upon a few days ago posed a couple of interesting questions: Why is it more OK for girls to be bisexual or homosexual, but not boys? and, Are there many girl-girl couples out there because it's really who they are or because the guys are such losers?

If a straight boy kissed another boy, perhaps to amuse some girls who might be watching, he would be unlikely to undergo a change in sexual orientation as a result. But, as Professor Roy Baumeister at Florida State University and others have shown, sexual attraction in many women seems to be more malleable. If a teenage girl kisses another teenage girl, for whatever reason, and she finds that she likes it - then things can happen, and things can change. If a young woman finds her soulmate, and her soulmate happens to be female, then she may begin to experience feelings she's never felt before.

Especially if all the guys she knows are losers.

LOL. OK so I plead guilty re asking my still-straight girl friends who have had their share of asshole boyfriends/boyflings why they still bother with boys - in jest, yeah, but jokes are half-meant aren't they, haha. But seriously now.

Honest, I feel slightly offended whenever people assume that two girls are only together because they can't find decent guys. Especially when these assuming people are, well, guys. YOU GUYS, sometimes it hits us unexpectedly, too, okay? Not everything happens amid drunken stupor (though this doesn't mean things discovered amid drunken stupor are less valid, by the way) and not everything goes the way that Katy Perry song goes, okay? Sometimes it hits you while you're not looking, and I guess girls really are malleable these days, aren't they. They're not as repulsed by the thought of getting close with a girl friend the way boys are similarly defensive when chided about bromance (Though is this still the case? I'm not in a position to observe, as I'm never really around boys these days.)

Anyway, that said, I guess if I'm supposed to identify the main thing that's most attractive about being with a girl, I can't pinpoint a specific one, exactly. I'd just have to settle with saying that the past two and a half years of my life have been the best ever. On the more concrete level, I turn to this girl quoted in the article:

"It was just such a welcome change, to snuggle under a blanket on the couch with my girlfriend, watch a movie, and talk about God and death and growing old, to be intimate emotionally and spiritually as well as physically. I don't know a guy who could even comprehend the conversations we have."

Um, yeah. Ditto.


Notes on Holy Week 2010

I am actually happy to report that during the six days I spent trying to have a "holy week vacation" I actually did not:

1) Read a single newspaper
2) Surf a single news website (with the exception of Twitter, which is actually turning out to be my news and chika aggregator whenever I'm mobile and not in front of a computer. Nifty.)
3) Read anything about/work on anything remotely about Elections 2010.

Which means I actually managed to accomplish my single battle plan for Holy Week 2010 to not turn the elections into a hobby. Heh. Instead, I:

1) Went to the beach with my family and my girlfriend, where I
2) Got a decent looking tan and
3) Trampoline-d my ankle to near oblivion;
4) Took lots of photographs
5) Did a gif of Krista jumping on a trampoline (LOL here.)
6) Finished Nick Hornby's High Fidelity in one sitting (FOUR HOURS! who would have thought I was capable of sitting still for FOUR HOURS.)
7) Wrote and finished something.
8) Went from Level 1 to Level 8 of Zombie Farm. (don't ask.)

Things I discovered this Holy Week:

1) I am a recovering mall addict.
2) I love Rockwell.
3) Zaifu is my new Japanese haunt of choice.

Here be photographs: