today's finds: how to be alone; saying things unsaid (a roundup)

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis (full text below cut, from here, thank you)



If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

*

There are days I find myself aching for the noise of crowded rooms, but these are few and far between; most days, I prefer being with a few friends (too dear and close, it's almost like being with a few other versions of myself) or with Andrea (who's practically my other set of limbs and organs). When I think about old days spent drinking and smoking in places with the music all too loud, I remember this body and how it feels now and think, Maybe we do outgrow things. On some nights it's easier to accept this than the others. Like tonight, sitting here with my palms still raw from having scrubbed the kitchen counter clean in a bid to obliterate ants and dust -- it's easier to just take a beer out of the fridge, than, say, go out and get drunk somewhere with strangers grinning quietly at each other under heavy clouds of smoke. When I was younger I went around carrying the weight of all this history inside me, drinking until the alcohol displaces it. It's been a long time since then, since the last time the last person I talked to over a bottle of beer felt like a fresh page, and since then I have grown older. As you get older, I guess, you do begin enjoying yourself more (which is not to say you enjoy others less), and then after a while, introspection becomes more bearable to the point of being enjoyable. Perhaps that's what the goal is, to move forward and grow until you're steady and solid, unafraid of silences and at peace in the quiet.

*

Also found today: On Her Wedding Day, Saying the Things Left Unsaid:

"That's just another gift she gave me; the gift of knowing what is possible in a relationship; of refusing to settle for mediocrity where it counts, and of taking the chance when something inside tells you it could be love. I sound like a sap. I know. But it's no less true. No matter what my romantic future holds, I know there will be no retreat from the standards she has set. Like the song says, surely someone will one day dare to stand where she stood. I can't wait."

This man's post-break-up, pre-ex-marriage disposition is utterly inspiring. I can only imagine how amazing his ex-girlfriend must have been.