radio silence

i.

Oh, I will figure this out eventually; perhaps when your chair is empty and it's after nine o'clock, and I'm left to lock doors and glass cabinets. It's always the silence that gets to me. It's what got to me in 2007; it's what will get to me when the dust clears (maybe tomorrow).

The phrase that hits me is, What holds up half the sky. Weren't we that, once -- you holding up your end, me holding up mine, the two of us plodding along, steadily trying to work miracles on a six-day work week. When I look back at that -- how, really? One Saturday, we're in La Union. The next thing we know, it's a Sunday and we're lying face down on the floor of the office, trying out surfing moves on a flat, unmoving surface, bruises still fresh on our knees; the midterm elections looking us in the face. Too young and too far away.

There a lot of little things that go unnoticed, though not necessarily unappreciated; I've worked alongside you for four years, wrapped in the comfort of your presence, calming like a steady hand above a jittery heart. It's been like that for four years, and then suddenly it isn't; perhaps it will take a longer while to get used to this absence, as with all old habits we have to shed. If there's one thing getting older has taught me, it is this: that we form habits only to break them. (It's a good thing I've had practice with cigarettes, is all I'm saying.)

ii.


Life round-up: Banchetto on Friday, 35th monthsary/haircut on Sunday. Nine fatalities on Monday as a dismissed policeman hostaged 25 people on a bus in front of Quirino Grandstand in Manila. Hostage-taker Rolando Mendoza died along with 8 tourists from Hong Kong. Venus Raj won 4th runner-up in the Miss Universe pageant Tuesday (Manila time) in ceremonies held in Las Vegas. Miss Mexico grabbed the title; it was well-deserved. The Q&A could have gone better, but I believe Venus did her best and personally, I feel proud.


iii.


Doing what you like - that is freedom. Liking what you do - that is happiness. When things get murky I close my eyes and listen to myself and it's really surprising how at the bottom of it all, the voice inside me is saying, Yes. After all this time -- yes.

iv.


Dear love, get well already so we can cuddle. /end-sap