a series of brief letters to younger selves

i was here.

i. Dear 19,


Oh, I remember us -- we were like waking up in entirely new skin.

(Under cut: letters to 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23)



i. Dear 19,

Oh, I remember us -- we were like waking up in entirely new skin. I am certain that 2003 has been a hell of a year, and if memory serves right, we'd just emerged from a shit-ton of mistakes and some ill-advised decisions. Don't worry; we'll get it all under control (you know what I mean) in due time; for now, let's just say, it's a good year to try and fail and make mistakes and learn the hard way.

It's been seven years since I last saw you, but trust me when I say we are still somewhat alike after all this time -- there are bits and pieces of you that still make it through these days and on the whole it makes me glad. We've said a lot of things about being 25 -- something about moving on to greater things, and being happier and emotionally smarter, and now that we're finally past that line, I am happy to report that we're really in a much better place.

So yeah, uncertain as this place may be, do not be afraid. I still think that you are the most reckless we've been and I applaud you for that. I love you most for wearing our heart on our sleeve, and in three years I will be thankful to have had your courage just tucked somewhere inside us, ever ready to be summoned.

So yeah, times are going to be hard, and we're going to make even worse mistakes in the months ahead, and sometimes all that trying will seem pointless. At some point we will get angry; at some point, it will feel like we've reached the limit, our heart so horribly, horribly stretched. But do not forget -- in a few years, we will be here writing this, and looking back at all that mess and we'll think, Christ, did we really manage to get past all that?

You bet.

Mindblowing, isn't that.

X.

ii. Dear 20,

Who would have thought we'd pull 2004 off, huh? That was such a year. This was our first year living alone, and this year we were quite brave; still reckless, yes, but a bit more calculating now. Hey, what did I tell you about learning, eh? =)

This was such a year for heartbreak, wasn't it? We started this year attempting to control things, only to end up caving to them somewhere a few months in, and oh, how we just caved. I guess I just want you to know that at some point, we'll finally get it right. One day, we will walk away, and we will walk away for good. This year may not have been that year, but trust me when I say this: *That* year is coming, and it is coming sooner than you think.

For now, well -- remember, what doesn't kill you will probably make for good fiction later. Heh.

I'll always envy you for all the firsts you've managed to gather this year -- it's like this year took something from us that none of the other years can, ever again. I think most of our college nostalgia is about us in 2004.

Your escapades and stories still make me blush -- remember that time we got terribly drunk with too much tequila and rum and gin that we almost got wheedled into something thoroughly compromising, only we didn't manage because we needed to be close to a bathroom AT ALL TIMES? I still look back to that time as one of the worst hangovers EVER, and it's astonishing, just how much I remember from that night considering how drunk we were.

So yeah, think about it -- this could have been a year of heartbreak, or this could have been a year of firsts. Either way, I won't change a thing. You'll get here anyway -- no matter how alcohol-soaked, nicotine-stained or heartbroken you've been. Never forget that.

It's our last birthday as a student -- certainly, we've lived it up nicely, this mythical college life.

Minus the drugs, of course - you smart girl, you. I cannot thank you enough.

X.

iii. Dear 21,

My, you still look thrown. The game has changed much since graduation in April, and really, what is this thing called working during the holidays?

I know, it feels like we've aged too fast in such a short time, but if anything, you should know it gets a whole lot better once we've settled in nicely. Expect life to normalize sometime next year, but not after a few more big changes -- they're about to hurt, but then again, that's change, isn't it? Things will get better anyway, as they always do.

This year has been about transition, and we've done well with most, though on the whole we can't really be blamed for trying to hold onto the remaining familiar things. Guess it was too soon to expect to shed too much too quickly, eh? And so we proceed to manage our expectations. Heh.

Soon you'll find that the work place is so much different from college, but in many ways the people are the same. Sometime soon, you'll be more comfortable in this place, and trust me when I say the year ahead holds some really interesting people. (And when I say interesting, I mean REALLY INTERESTING. Are you excited yet? Hehe.)


Until then.

X.

iv. Dear 22,

That was a fun year, wasn't that -- all those new friends and drunken nights and -- AND -- is that actually a familiar beating in your chest? For someone else? :) Well, there's something we haven't seen in a while. All these years, we've been wrapped up in somebody who isn't even wholly there, and now, here we have a welcome development.

Sure we could say it's just a crush -- it could be pointless and naive and hopeless, and oh my God is she even single? I know, it's this uncertain space again and it is frightening, but really, where's the harm in getting to know someone better, right?

So here's my proposal -- I'm going to cut a deal with you. Let's follow our heart to this new place and take things from there, and I promise you that you won't regret it. Deal?

You don't see it now -- or at least not yet -- but we're about to be really happy, as in really happy. And it's not with the girl we're having dinner with tonight, believe it or not.

Yeah, I still remember that night we turned 22 and this acute happiness -- sitting across the same girl, still running around the same circle. How happy it already made us, to be made time for, despite the obvious fact that this shouldn't even be happening in the first place.

She's here now, but she's not going to be here for longer. Our time is up. Tonight, the letter we're writing for her will be the last one, and the letter she'll write for us will be the last one, too. A year later, we'll unearth it while we're cleaning out our wallet, and it won't even so much as sting anymore. That's how happy we're going to get -- so happy that it blots out everything else that has happened in recent years.

Are you ready for that?

The year ahead is going to be a big one -- there will be changes. Again. Some people will go, and some people will come in. You'll move out of old comfort zones and into new ones.

And believe it or not, your drunken wishes this coming New Year's Eve will come true. Mark my words. Your mind's going to be blown away by something really amazing.

And I mean, REALLY AMAZING.

You're in for one hell of a year. Are you ready?

This year will be THE year.

X.

v. Dear 23,

I told you so, didn't I.

I told you so.

I love you.

X.